Schemas

Schemas are learned reactions to stress.  Many of us have learned to react to stress in a manner which is neither beneficial to us, or to those around us.  The ten most common Schemas are:


1. Abandonment

The prospect of being alone stirs up a deep sadness and feeling of isolation. The resulting fear and panic are signature emotions of the abandonment pattern. While many with this schema adopt a strategy of becoming clingy and constantly seeking reassurances in relationships, others may take an avoidance approach; steering clear of attachments to others to ensure not suffering as he did in childhood.

2. Deprivation

My needs won’t be met. A deep sadness and hopelessness stemming from the conviction

that one will never be understood or cared for. People with the deprivation schema often

feel angry that their needs are being ignored. That anger in turn covers an underlying loneliness and sadness.  For some, the deprivation schema stems from a lack of nurturance, warmth or affection.  Others may have been deprived of empathy because no one tuned into the feeling the person had as a child. Sometimes it was merely a lack of guidance and direction that every child needs.

3. Subjugation

This revolves around the feeling that one’s own needs never take priority. People in this pattern give in easily, but they build up hidden resentment that can smolder into anger and rage. This schema typically originates in a childhood dominated by controlling parents who give the child no say; going much further than the necessary setting of limits and rules. The assertion of absolute authority runs from outright violence and threats to more subtle control via disapproving looks, frowns or tone of voice at any sign of the child asserting her own wishes.

4. Mistrust

People can’t be trusted. Suspiciousness typifies this schema. People can’t be trusted is the core belief of this schema. Quickness to anger and rage. Constantly vigilant in relationships, fearing that people will take advantage of them or otherwise betray them. Because they are so wary of people’s intentions they have a hard time getting close to people and opening up. Paradoxically people with this schema are often drawn to relationships with people who will harm them.

5. Unloveability

Sometimes called the defectiveness schema. The assumption is I’m not loveable. A feeling of being somehow flawed, that anyone who gets to know me will find me defective. Shame and humiliation are the most prominent emotions. It is often instilled by parents who are hypercritical, insulting or demeaning. A constant message of parental disapproval, whether verbalized or not. A sarcastic tone of voice, expressions of disgust and contempt can convey a message of unworthiness.

Children with birth defects, epilepsy and other illnesses can be particularly susceptible to this schema as are children who have a parent in prison or a mental hospital.

One way of coping with demeaning messages is to capitulate after being beaten down.

Another child may erect a facade of bravado that hides the underlying feeling of defectiveness.

6. Exclusion

I don’t belong. How we feel about our status in groups. The perceived message is You’re not like us, we don’t like you. This perception leads the person to stay on the edge of a group.

Typical emotions are anxiety, particularly in groups or with strangers or a deep sadness about being alone or lonely. This schema typically develops during the school years. Rejection by peers is one source of the exclusion schema. However, it can also arise from one’s family being somehow different from others in the neighborhood, or when a divorced parent remarries and the child feels left out of the blended family.

A child who feels excluded may try to adapt by staying on the outside of things or by avoiding the group to minimize the hurtfulness of being rejected. When this tendency to shy away from groups carries over into adulthood, it keeps the person from engaging with others which would result into acceptance into the group. The anxiety a person feels about likely being rejected or scrutinized makes him socially awkward which, in turn, will add to the feelings about being different.

Many who fear rejection withdraw into a corner at a gathering. Others make an extra effort to fit in as well; trying to be the perfect group member. Some exaggerate the outcast role, glorying in the outcast role.

7. Vulnerability

Loss of control lies at the core of the vulnerability pattern. The exaggeration of something small into an imagined, full fledged disaster. The feeling that some catastrophe is about to strike. Ordinary fears escalate out of control. The child learns to worry too much.

Often a parent who would frequently imagine that some catastrophe was about to take place will pass this same tendency onto her children. Sometimes it is because real problems are threatening. The message received by the child is that the world is a dangerous place.

Anxiety or apprehension in anticipation of a true crisis can serve a useful purpose when it causes us to take needed actions. Evacuating when a flood or fire threatens, for example.  But this same anxiety becomes dysfunctional when it continues past the point of preparing for a true problem. Worrying about normal situations and risks. Never traveling by some means of transportation. Some deny themselves any pleasure out of fear for their safety.

People prone to panic attacks are often victims of this schema. As are those who over prepare or grossly limit their activities in order to feel safe. Some incessantly seek reassurances or develop private rituals, checking their locks three times each time they leave home. Other go in for risky pursuits to show their fears are misplaced; skydiving for instance.

8. Failure

The failure schema can have its roots in parents who make a child feel inept or from constant put downs, either by siblings or those at school. At times it develops from comparisons the individual makes between themselves and others. Feeling like a failure, not good enough. A deep self doubt and an anxious sadness are the central emotions which go with this schema.

Someone with this schema may push themselves very hard, despite the constant fear of failure. This can be true of someone who has achieved success in one of more fields. Despite having done well, they feel they are frauds and live in fear of being found out and exposed. Others behave in a way that insures they will not succeed. Some avoid taking any risks or trying out skills they may have acquired. Some always have an excuse for the anticipated failure while still others put things off until it is too late.

9. Perfectionism

Unrelenting standards. A focus on what is wrong with what you’ve done. Self criticism and self reproach are constant companions. Some try to hold everyone else to the same impossible standards they set for themselves and are often critical of others. A feeling that you must constantly push yourself to do better is one sign of the Perfectionist schema. Often there is a grimness about activities which turns even pleasurable pursuits sour. Someone makes even a slightly negative remark and they wind up berating themselves for days.

Usually developed in an effort to protect themselves from losing a parent’s love, the perfectionist schema often comes about when a parent is always critical of a child’s performance. The sense of failing no matter how hard you try. While the perfectionist easily feels impatient and irritated, an emotion hovering in the background is sadness, a melancholy over missing out on life from being too dutiful. A feeling of not being accepted for who you are, but rather what you accomplish.

The perfectionist schema drives workaholics. While many focus on work, others push themselves in sports, some in physical appearance, some for social status.

10. Entitlement

People with the entitlement schema feel special. They believe that they are entitled to do what ever they want. They see themselves as above everyone else. Laws are for others, not them. They can fly into a rage when others don’t immediately recognize their superiority and give way to them. They have little empathy or concern for those they take advantage of. Selfish, impulsive and childish, even as adults.

This attitude can develop from being spoiled as a child. Children of parents who have great wealth may come to believe they are entitled to special treatment in all situations. Parents who set no limits for their children, whether wealthy or not, giving their children whatever they want, rarely punishing them or have them take responsibility for anything also put their child at risk of developing this schema.

It can also come from parents whose love seems conditional on the child having a certain quality. It can be academic achievement, sports accomplishment or beauty. Such children may exaggerate their accomplishments, may demand special treatment. Underneath it all they still feel a sense of inadequacy, even shame which they cover over with narcissistic pride.

Still another way this schema can develop is through a reaction to being deprived of attention, affection or material need in childhood. Those who develop this schema through this method are so aggravated over being deprived in childhood they feel they are entitled to more than their fair share as adults.

Schemas begin as coping strategies; a way of dealing with a difficult emotional situation.

But they become self defeating; guiding our lives within a framework of distorted reactions, feelings and beliefs similar to when we first took a certain course of action.

Schemas influence our perceptions of events without our being conscious of them. They hinder us in responding to things as they actually are, and keep us in the rut of a habit.

If reading or talking about schemas brings up emotions, it’s a good thing. We need to experience the emotions in order to begin the healing process.  Allow yourself to feel the emotions without judging them, holding on to them, or evaluating them. Let them pass.