The three major portions of this course consists of:
· Identify difficult behavior on the focus / assertiveness continuum grid
· Schemas, or learned reactions to stress – an intro to cognitive therapy
· Four steps and one requirement for using the Dalai Lama’s method of transforming anger
Expelling anger exercise
Part 1
Stand –extend arms downward- clench fists-fingers up-slowly raise arms
up over your head as you rise up on your toes. Quickly bring arms down, opening
hands and come off your toes. Repeat three times
Part 2
Place your open hands about six inches apart at the level of your forehead, palm toward you. Slowly bring your hands down to about the level of your knees. Repeat, this time with fingers separated by about 18-24 inches.
Identify difficult behavior on the focus / assertiveness continuum grid
....Fortunately, the highly entertaining video series, How to Deal How to Deal with Difficult People by Dr. Rick Brinkman &Dr. Rick Kurschner makes this easy and even fun to do.
The four styles are: - Ruler - Analyzer - Relater - Entertainer
Task Oriented
P | A
A Analyzer | Ruler G
S | G
S--------------------------------------|-------------------------------- R
I | E
V Relater | Entertainer I
V
E
People Oriented
Everyone falls someplace on the passive aggressive line. Likewise everyone falls someplace on the focus line, be it more task oriented or more people oriented. All have their strengths and all have their weaknesses. While each has a positive intent, each also has their own types of difficult behaviors.
Learning about the various communication styles can help you deal with those who use a different style of communication than you do----and can especially help when they are being your difficult people
The four styles are: - Ruler - Analyzer - Relater - Entertainer Ruler
..Under Pressure –talks louder and faster, blows up,
throws tantrums, exaggerates
..How to deal –be appreciative, be enthusiastic, let them
talk, use demonstrations, focus on them
Types of difficult Behavior
Ruler
..Tanks-
..Snipers-
..Know it alls-
Analyzer
..Complainers
..No People
..Nothing People
Relater
•Yes people
•Maybe people
•Passive people
Entertainer
..Grenades
..Think –They –Know It alls
We get the responses we expect, both good & bad
Relationships –Built on ideals, values, and goals held in common – the more you have in common, the easier it is to get things done
Difficult people –Built on perceived differences –the more you focus on those differences, the easier it is to develop conflict
Communication
The intelligent exchange of ideas, information & messages. An essential step in dealing with difficult people.
Pacing
Creating a shared experience between you and another that reduces the differences between you
Communication Elements
Non-verbal –Responses may be conscious or unconscious –body posture-leaning forward, pacing-Gestures –facial expressions. Responses can emphasize difference or build on common ground
..Sound ––voice tempo-voice volume -Although the words may be fine, you must be conscious of the tone and texture of the message you are sending. Know what the message is that you are sending
..Pacing –meet on common ground
..Key with aggressive people –Underplay their aggression –assertively -speak up –speak out
Words -Be clear -Be precise –Backtrack. Clarification –focus on the other person by requesting further information –understand the meaning
Schemas
Schemas, or learned reactions to stress – an intro to cognitive therapy
From Emotional Alchemy: How the mind can heal the heart by Tara Bennett- Goleman
..Abandonment
..Deprivation
..Subjugation
..Mistrust
..Unloveability
..Exclusion
..Vulnerability
..Failure
..Perfectionism
..Entitlement
Abandonment
The prospect of being alone stirs up a deep sadness and feeling alone.
Fear and panic are signature emotions. Often adopt a strategy of clinging and seeking reassurance. Others may take an avoidance approach, steering clear of attachments to others
Deprivation
My needs won’t be met. Sadness and hopelessness from the conviction that one will never be understood. Often angry that their needs are being ignored. Some become unusually nice, going out of their way to do special favors, often while feeling sad and lonely.
Subjugation
One’s own needs never take priority. Gives in easily. Typically originates when parents/ caregivers give the child no say in anything. Some choose passivity, but hidden resentment can build up, smoldering into anger and rage. Other rebel.
Mistrust
Suspiciousness. People can’t be trusted. Because of being wary of intentions, have a hard time getting close to people and opening up. Drawn to relations with people who will harm them.
Unloveability
A feeling of being flawed. Shame and humiliation are the most prominent emotions. Some capitulate after being beaten down. Others erect a facade of bravado which hides the underlying feeling of defectiveness. Fear of rejection prevents them from revealing thoughts and feelings.
Exclusion
I don’t belong. Anxiety, or a deep sadness about being alone or lonely. May stay on the outside or avoid groups to minimize the hurtfulness of rejection. Some withdraw into a corner in groups. Others make an extra effort to fit in. Some exaggerate the outcast role.
Vulnerability
The exaggeration of something small into a full fledged disaster. Feeling that catastrophe is about to strike. Worrying about normal situations and risks. People prone to anxiety attacks are often victims of this schema. Some go in for risky pursuits to show their fears are misplaced.
Failure
Can have roots in feeling inept from constant put downs. Can develop from comparisons the individual between themselves and others. May push themselves very hard. Some avoid taking any risks. Some always have an excuse for anticipated failure.
Perfectionism
Unrelenting standards. A focus on what is wrong with what you’ve done. Self Criticism and self reproach are constant companions. Some try to hold others to the same impossible standards for themselves and are critical of others. A melancholy over missing out on life from being too dutiful. A feeling of not being accepted for who you are, but what you accomplish.
Entitlement
Entitled to do whatever they want. See themselves as above everyone else. Laws are for others, not them. Can fly into a rage when others don’t immediately recognize their superiority. Little empathy or concern for those they take advantage of. Selfish, impulsive and childish. It can come from being spoiled as a child or when love seems conditional on having a certain quality.
SOURCE: EMOTIONAL ALCHEMY: HOW THE MIND CAN HEAL THE HEART byTara Bennett-Goleman
Additional suggested reading: Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes
Transforming anger
Source: The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama
The one requirement and four steps for transforming anger
The requirement:
To be honest with yourself
Step one
Take the one incident that makes you angry every time it enters your mind (if you have more than one, pick the one which bothers you the most).
Write down every thing you can remember about the incident. Even include the little things which you don’t consider important. If you feel yourself getting upset, take a break and repeat to yourself “I’m working on my anger, I’m resolving my anger.”
After you write it all down, ask yourself “Is there anything else?” Don’t rush …take your time….remember to take a break each time you feel yourself getting upset….and to tell yourself that you are resolving your anger.
Remember, you’re being honest with yourself…write it all down.
Step 2
Ask yourself; “What did I contribute to the situation?”
It might be 2%, it might be 12%, or it may be 98%, but what ever part it played, write it down.
Again, if you find your self getting angry when you think about it, or are writing it down, take a break –and tell yourself I’m resolving my anger -I’m transforming my anger. Take your time.
Step 3
Ask yourself; “What was the other person’s perspective? –What was going through the other guy ‘s mind?” Write down what ever you think may have been the reason they did whatever they did.
Write down every possible reason they may have had. Did he have a fight with his wife the night before? Was she frightened? Was he stressed out? Was a friend of his killed in a similar situation? Allow time for ideas to percolate.
Again, any time you feel you need to take a break; take one. If you find yourself laughing or smiling at the incident which used to make you angry, you don’t need to go onto the fourth step. You’ve already transformed your anger.
People feel anger when they feel they have been treated unjustly. Anger is also energy.
If you still feel anger after step three, it should be greatly diminished. If not, you may have hid something from yourself. It is also likely that you were treated unjustly….and it is likely that other people have been treated in a similar unjust manner.
Step 4
Ask yourself “What can I do to help others in a similar situation to mine?”
Working to eliminate similar injustices allows the energy you have stored as anger to be used to benefit others, which benefits the community, your state, the nation…and even the world…and will benefit yourself as well.
MADD was formed by those angry at drunk drivers who killed or injured someone they loved. NAMI was formed by those angry at how the mental health system treated their loved ones
Peer specialists often start because of how they were treated…we want to change the system to make it both more humane, and more effective.
How can you best change things so others do not have to endure what you’ve endured?
-Then go about doing it, keeping in mind the goals of recovery:
Be Happy
Be Healthy
Be Peaceful
Live in Harmony with Yourself & Others
The video series How to Deal with Difficult to Deal with Difficult People, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner be can be purchased at www.careertrack.comwww.careertrack.com
The information presented here plus more about Recovery from Mental Illness can be found in Mental Illness A Guide to Recovery by Bob Bennett
..Focus-Task